Pretend This Is Whiskey
by Bee the Gatekeeper
Summary: A Steam Powered Giraffe fanfic. Based very loosely of David Michael Bennett's Photographic Memories and various manga including Inuyasha. The Spine, Rabbit, and Hatchworth have fallen into feudal Japan and met a lovely warrior priestess. After their struggles, the three robots take a welcome break to relax and refuel. But the locals don't carry their usual brand of oil.


Note: This is not meant to condone drinking. Just don't. Don't slip people stuff to watch them be silly, don't take anything yourself. This is just a bit of fun... Another drunk Spine moment.

Rabbit leaned back in the hot spring, sighing luxuriously. "Who knew this'd f-f-feel so great to a robut?"

"I know, correct?" said Hatchworth, stroking his mustache into place.

Rabbit opened his mouth and closed it again. "Yeah, buddy."

The Spine walked into the bathhouse wearing only a red cloth around his waist and hips. His slipped out of it and into the warm water with his brothers.

"Ahh... Why have we not done this before?" he crooned, closing his eyes.

"Nice, ain't it?" giggled Rabbit.

"I told you so," said Hatchworth pleasantly.

"Monk?"

A young man was leaning over The Spine, holding a large bottle.

"Hm?"

"The priestess tells my master that you are in need of oil for a device. We have brought some for your use."

"Thank you. Could you also send something to drink, please?"

The young man bowed and nodded. He put down the bottle and hurried out.

"Well, that should be enough!" said The Spine. "You lose much, Rabbit?"

"I think I'm down to half after that angry m-m-m-m-mob..." He stopped, shuddering.

"It's okay. Don't think about it. You, Hatchy?"

"Full to the top, brother."

"Good. Well, I've been getting error messages for three days, even though Rabbit lasered the leaks in my shoulder. If the cups don't get here soon, I may just drink it straight from the bottle!"

"Just make sure you op-open the right valve, bright boy. Remember..."

"Oil and water don't mix. Of course. I always have to tell you that."

"Well, you ain't y-y-yourself lately, so I figured someone should say it."

"Oh? Who am I, then?" said The Spine, sinking into the water a little deeper.

"You're the holy monk, remember?" Rabbit grinned. "The one with the covering of ho-ho-holy armor bestowed upon you for your great faith..."

"That's just the cover story..."

"And that was a pun."

The Spine chuckled. "I guess it was."

"You su-sure that little priestess don't believe her own story an' think there's a real man under all that armor?"

"And who says there isn't?" The Spine asked with a smirk, folding his hands behind his head and leaning back.

"Bleah. Gimme some of that oil so's I can have something to throw up."

"What?" asked The Spine innocently.

Rabbit shook his head and slipped under the water. Bubbles rose above him.

"Er, Rabbit..." Hatchworth began awkwardly as Rabbit resurfaced.

"That's better. Boiler was gettin' a bit low, too."

"Oh..."

"What?"

"Nothing. Forgot for a moment that I was here with robots."

The water arrived, along with a bottle of sake and both large and small cups.

"Look," said The Spine, smiling, once they were alone again. He began to fill two of the larger cups with oil. "Water and sake. That was sweet of them!"

"Yes, they are proud of their sake here. They also were very impressed with how much I could drink."

Rabbit grinned. "I'm sorry I m-missed that!"

"Take it easy on that stuff," Hatchworth added as The Spine gave Rabbit his cup of oil.

The Spine shifted his throat valve over to access his oil reservoir and downed his cupful in one gulp. "What, the sake? I'm not even going to have any, and you shouldn't have any more either. Bad for the boiler."

"N-no... I meant the oil."

The Spine blinked as he poured a second cupful. "I'm nearly dry, Hatchworth. I have to drink this or it's 'Goodnight, Spine.'"

"I know it, or I would have stopped you."

Rabbit was drinking the last of his cupful. The Spine had already drunk his second. Both robots looked at Hatchworth.

"Go on," Rabbit said, frowning.

"I had some when I first came here. It seems they harvest this oil from vanquished yokai such as you saw outside the village. It seems to give it a strange quality..."

"Wait," Rabbit interrupted. "This oil came from a demon?"

"It is very effective. But as I said, it is also... potent to us robots. The only reason I drank all that sake was because I'd had the oil first. I didn't have the sense to keep from pouring alcohol into my boiler. Did you know alcohol makes robots fart?"

Rabbit snorted loudly. "Yeah... I did..."

The Spine giggled, startling Hatchworth. "Me, too!"

"I should know... I used ta have drinking contests with Captain America," Rabbit commented.

"You-ou-ou-ou're making that up," The Spine drawled.

"Nah, I swear it's true. I read it on tha internet!"

They both pitched backward, laughing, almost as one, and nearly slipped under the water.

"Oh, for the love of gouda," mumured Hatchworth. That was fast!

"Intern-n-net, huh?" The Spine said, sitting back up with difficulty through persistent giggling. "Yeah, I read there that I got a hot romance goin' on w-w-with Mr. Reed!"

"Oh, yeah! An' he's actually my mother!"

This brought more laughter. Hatchworth started easing his way out of the bath.

"Spine! Hey, Spine! Is there such a thing as too much of a good thing?"

"Y'know, Rabbit, I a-a-ask myself that every day."

That one left them in hysterics. As the laughter slowly wound down, The Spine snorted loudly while trying to take in more air and the two robots fell apart all over again. Hatchworth climbed out.

"R-R-Rabbit... y'know... you are my favorite copper robot..."

"Aw, Spine, ol' buddy! Thanks! Yer my favorite copper robot, too!"

As the sillies exploded once more, Hatchworth found a cloth and began to dry his chassis. He wished the villagers had been able to track how long he was affected when he'd had the stuff, but they'd had no idea of the effect it had on him. He knew he'd gone on a sandwich-making spree, but that was it. What these two would try, he could only imagine.

"Rabbit... y'know th-th-that girl... that pretty girl..."

"What, the one with six slots?"

"Don't b-b-be crude, man."

"She was stacked..." Rabbit said with relish.

"I mean it! You be respectable... ful... respectableful."

"I am!" Rabbit sniffled. "Until I dropped her! Why, Spine? She was so young!"

"C'mere, bro... c-c-c-come on over here. C'mon, big guy..."

Rabbit sank into The Spine's arms, sobbing. "I loved her! There's never been another toaster like her!"

"L-L-Let it-it out-out-out... L-Let it out, Rabbit."

"I only saw her once..." Rabbit sang sloppily.

Hatchworth groaned.

"But th-th-that was all y-y-y-you neededed..."

"Now I know she's what I been dreamin' of, an' only she will do... Ah, Spine, I can't go on!"

The Spine looked confused. "Only she will do? What about M-M-Miss Paige?"

"Paige?" Rabbit blinked. "I can't get back ta her, either! Why, Spine? Why does love hate me?"

Hatchworth slipped into his kimono and stared at his brothers. He couldn't just leave them like this. They were thoroughly sloppy and he was the only one who could restrain The Spine; even Rabbit wasn't quite able to manage that. He sighed, took a quick photo of them sobbing over one another in a public bath and saved it to his memory in case of future blackmail needs, and leaned against the wall to wait it out.

"At least you understand, The Spine..."

"Y-Y-Y-Yeah, buddy. I've been there."

"Ya have. A lot. How many times, now?"

"W-W-W-W-Well..."

Rabbit starting counting on his fingers. It went on for quite a while. The Spine, wobbling gently from side to side, scowled at his brother.

"Yeah, th-th-that's enough..."

"You sure get dumped a lot."

"Shut up, R-R-Rabbit... Hey... hey... that girl..."

"Where?" Rabbit cried, throwing his arms over his chassis. Hatchworth rolled his eyes and blinked several times to get them back down again.

"Not here, d-d-d-dummins!"

"Oh... that girl... the shield-maiden!"

"No... that's somethin' else... she's a sammer... sam-rai..."

"Oh, yeah," Rabbit said. "She's kinda cute for a fleshie..."

The Spine shoved him clumsily in the shoulder. "You take that b-b-back!"

"She's not cute."

"D-D-Dang right. She's beautiful. Beautiful..."

"Strong words, cowboy."

"Rabbit... b-b-bro... I think she w-w-wants to kiss me..."

Rabbit laughed. "Ya had too much of that oil! Nobody wants ta kiss you!"

"Why not? Why... I-I-I have lips!"

"Yeah, black rubber lips."

"Silly... sill... silicon!"

"Whatever. Whew, Hatchy, I think it's wearing off a little. Maybe I need more!"

"And end up like him?" asked Hatchworth.

The Spine was singing softly to himself, something that sounded like "silly silly silicon."

"Hey!" The Spine cried suddenly. "Hey!"

Rabbit snorted with laughter. "Yeah?"

"S'not funny..."

"Right."

"How do you know she d-d-d-doesn't want to kiss me?"

"Well, I don't want to kiss you, and I figure everyone agrees with me."

"Well, I don't wanna k-k-kiss you either, ya mook. But I'll show you. I'm g-g-gonna go kiss her right now. Show you..."

"He seems to be getting worse," muttered Hatchworth.

The Spine clambered out of the bath. He fell twice, miraculously failing to break anything. His attempt to pick up his red cloth was no more successful; he gave up at last trying to get his fingers to close at the right time and headed for the door, buck naked, only to find his way blocked.

"Don't you think you should put on the kimono they provided before going to kiss her?"

"Wha-a-a-at... are you sug... sug... saying I should be ashamed of my body? My father g-g-gave me this! Are you saying I shouldn't... um..."

He seemed to notice Hatchworth again for the first time.

"Hey, big guy... what're you doin' in the d-d-d-d-doorway. Nice bathrobe..."

"Oh, you like it? I have one just your size."

"No w-w-w-way..."

"No, really. It was chosen just for you."

The Spine's face crumpled. "Hatchy... that's... that 's the sweetest th-th-thing anyone... I don't know what to say..."

"Hey!" barked Rabbit, appearing behind The Spine, streaming water from his chassis. "Where's mine?"

"Wearing off, hm? Yes, well, I have lovely kimonos for you both, dear brothers. Over there. The red one is for The Spine, and The green one is for Rabbit."

He had to help them get into the clothing but at last he was ready to shuttle them toward their hut. The villagers they met along the way were universally amused, evidentally assuming they were somewhat the worse for sake.

Rabbit sank happily onto the mat flooring without so much as a futon underneath him and went into stasis with a smile on his face. The Spine, though clearly worse off, spent the next half hour trying to talk Hatchworth into letting him go give the priestess a kiss. Finally Hatchworth told him that if he laid down nicely, he would go ask her to come over. And to his relief, The Spine did, grabbing the two stacked and still folded futons the villagers had provided and draping himself over them before stasis self-initiated. Hatchworth was only surprised that it had taken The Spine's systems so long to recognize he wasn't functioning properly.

As he slipped out the door, he took one last look and grinned. "Rest well, brothers. Tomorrow you find out that robots can get hangovers."


End file.
